Cuff Your Broad When I’m Around

In my mind, my weekend started Friday at happy hour. My boy and my favorite wingman, the dude with the best game, I might even call a natural, B-Dubs is back in town. He started a new job here in town this week and he hit me up to meet him and some other folks at happy hour on Friday. One of the dudes he works with at his new job also used to work with us at our old job, and this dude is/was a male model. We never spoke to him at our old job, just talked shit about him behind his back, “Dude used to be a male model, what a fag”… you know, that type of stuff. Anyway, Male Model is at happy hour with B-Dubs and a handful of other dudes. Male Model is actually a cool dude, not a fag. Apparently, some modeling agency flew him up to NYC for about 6 months to do some modeling. Like, he really is a male model.

While at happy hour, I hit on the waitress, tease her a bit and I do alright with her, but it’s tough because a couple of my drunk and beligerent friends are also trying to hit on her and she’s a bit turned off by that. At point, the oldest, calmest dude at the table proclaimed that I definitely seemed to have the best shot with her (my game was the tightest), but drunk, beligerent dudes don’t seem to care. When she came back to our table, some of the dudes were calling her by name, to which I said to her, “How do they know your name, but I don’t, what kind of shit is that?”

She said, “well, you never asked me my name.”

To which, I pointed to my chest and said, “What? Ask you? You are supposed to introduce yourself to ME!”

She laughs, “Okay, hi, I’m [her name]“

I stand up and jokingly act all formal, “Well, nice to meet you [her name]. I’m Willy Wonka.”

This brings all kinds of barbardment from the group, as she says “see, they never shook my hand” and smiles, to which Male Model yells out, “Aww you’re trying to one up us? You one-upper!” Another one of my boys yells out, “His name’s not Willy Wonka, it’s Schmedium, just call him Schmedium.” Trying to make fun of my newfound wardrobe that fits. He doesn’t stop there, “Ol p90x ass… what day are you on? 38? P38! Just call him p38!”

Lol. I little while later another waitress comes over with a bunch of shots in her hand, “We get shots?” Male Model asks her. ”You do,” she says and hands him a shot, “that chick over there bout it for you.” Wow, some chick from across the bar just bought him a shot? Damn, model good looks having ass dude. That kind of shit doesn’t happen for me, and I’m a cute dude…. I guess I’m no male model though. Male Model runs up to go talk to the chick that bought him a shot, good for him, I guess.

I don’t stay at happy hour to long, I make it a point to leave after awhile and make sure to say goodbye to our waitress on my way out. She seemed cool, and I definitely had the best shot at the table and my game was the tightest, but considering we had such random conversations to which we even asked her her opinion on shit like oral sex and ass play, I decided not to try for the number close or anything. It’s tough to tell if a working chick is flirting with you because she’s interested or because she just wants a nice tip. I have successfully closed and later dated waitresses from happy hours before though, but this one didn’t seem like a sure thing, so I didn’t attempt to close her.

Later on, I meet up with basically the same group downtown. I walk in and one of my boys is at the bar trying to buy drinks. Theres’ a cute chick standing in line behind him. First thing I do? Walk up behind her, reach both of my arms around her shoulders and squeeze his shoulders. She trys to duck out of it, not knowing who the random dude is with both of his arms past her shoulders and head. My boy turns around, I point to her, “that was her, bro. She did it.”

She laughs and shakes her head, “No, I didn’t that was him.”

“Don’t let her lie to you, that was all her.”

My boy has a confused as look on his face….. “do y’all know each other?’” He says and points to me and the chick.

“No” she says and shakes her head.

I thought it was kind of funny for a little bit, but I didn’t try to keep talking to her. We moved around. We go upstairs and catch up with my boy B-Dubs and Male Model. These dudes are the dudes I want to be chilling with. What could make better wings than a dude with solid natural game and an actual male model who chicks buy drinks for from across the bar? Yeah, these are my new two favorite wingmen.

I open a few sets, I’m fucking with hot chicks here and there. We move around to another bar, I’m grabbing chicks in the street, “Y’all are going the wrong way, we’re headed to [such-and-such bar].” ”Okay, we’re coming there next.” They say.

Male Model is loving it, “Man, Willy Wonka! I like it! I’m hanging out with you more often!” That’s wasup, we make a good team. I have no problem hanging out with a dude that looks better than me, if my game is tight, then his good looks have the added benefit of helping me get into sets I can’t normally open solo or with a lesser wing. That’s how I see it anyway. Good to have him aboard.

It’s an okay night. I have some okay sets. I’m talking to this real hot latina chick, an 8 for sure, for awhile when apparently her boyfriend shows up. Conversation was going well, until that happened. I think he saw his chick having a good time with me and felt the need to come stand next to her to keep her in check. Whatever. I move around.

I wind up talking to another cute chick and this one goes well, but I move around and check back in with her later. When I come back to her, she’s sitting down, so sit down across from her and bullshit with her a bit. The SNL doesn’t seem to be in order, so I settle for the number close. She hands me her phone to put my number in. I put my number in and save myself as “Cute Ass Dude” and then call myself from her phone so I can have her number too. I give her her phone back and she laughs about the “Cute Ass Dude” name. I walk off and leave her and her friend. The bar closes down and I do some light hollering in the street, but nothing that goes anywhere. Friday night ends somewhat uneventfully.

Saturday is another beast though. I go up to Dr. Know It All’s job late in the evening, because he works at a retail place and he told me that he sees dime pieces coming in his store all the time. So, I go up there to visit him. It’s a couple cute chicks in there, but they’re either with their mom or with their boyfriend. I’m not attempting to approach a chick in either of those situations, but I do wind up flirting with one of Dr. Know It All’s co-workers. Dr. Know It All gets off work and we head across the street to the mall. I didn’t attempt to close his co-worker, but he confirms what I already thought, “she seemed into you bro, you had it.” Damn, she was cute too. Oh well, all’s not lost, I can always go back up there to see him again and fuck with her again.

We move around to the mall. Again, the first bad chick we see is with her mother. Damn it. Then, we walk past some chick’s clothing store and I make eye contact with the chick working the register. She damn near breaks her neck to watch me walk by. I should have went in there and approached her, but I didn’t. Why? No reason, just being lazy, lame and/or stupid. We walk around the mall for a bit. It’s a couple more cute chicks, but they are all with their man apparently, so nothing really approachable.

We grab something to eat in the food court. As we’re leaving the food court, I make eye contact with this young looking chick who’e sitting down. She actually makes eye contact with me twice. It seems obvious, she’s interested, but I don’t approach, 1. because she really wasn’t that cute and 2. she looked young as hell, probably 15 or so. But, Dr. Know It All is behind me and he tells me that when I walked past the chick, she gave me the full up-and-down. Damn, she was checking me out hard.

Well, honestly, we approach nothing in the mall, except for a couple of chicks that work there, but we just bullshit with them a bit, no closing attempts were made.

We wind up making it downtown later in the night though. And I’m true to form, back on my game. We hit a couple of bars and then we decide to hit the club I used to work at. I haven’t been there sine I got fired in February, so it seems kind of odd to go in there, but fuck, Dr. Know It All’s never been there, so we hit it up. I don’t even know the bouncer, “how long have you been working here?” I ask him. ”About a week now.” Damn, no wonder why I don’t know him, I worked here 4 months ago.

We get inside. I see one bartender I know, but everybody else seems to be new. Then, I run into a dude working security inside who usually is a bouncer. ”What’s up bro? Man, I haven’t been in here since I got fired, I don’t know half of these people that work here, y’all got new bouncers at the door and everything.” He seems happy to see me. “What’s up Willy Wonka? Yeah man, you know the turnover rate downtown is crazy man! It’s so many new people here, it doesn’t make any sense.”

I go back to my approaching grind. I approach some tall chick who’s looking for her friends, we chat it up a bit, but she seems to really be looking for her friends and doesn’t stay talking to me long. A few minutes later though she comes back and starts dancing with me a bit and kisses me on my neck and my cheek. She tells me that it’s her birthday and that her and her friend are sitting over there and points to where they are. She’s there with 14 other girls, large crowd. After dancing with her a little bit, she goes back to rejoin her friends and I tell her I’ll come by and chill with her later.

Then, I approach a chick who’s standing by herself with sunglasses on. ”Why do you have sunglasses on in the club? You tying to be fly or are you still hung over from last night?”

She laughs, “No, I’m not still hung over from last night. And, I am fly, can’t you tell?”

“Whatever,” I say and I take the sunglasses of her face in order to get a good look at her. She’s cute. We talk for a bit and I kino her and escalate pretty well. I’m grabbing her waist and ass and shit and pressing her breasts onto my chest while I talk to her, she seems into it, but it’s short lived, because some dude walks up and puts his arm around her and says to me, “she has to go, bro.” Her boyfriend, apparently. Damn, another dude cuffing. Oh well.

I move around the club and approach another cute chick. We talk for a bit and then the hottest chick who works there walks up, recognizes me and gives me a hug and tells me it’s good to see me. I think this helped as validation for the chick I was talking too. Because, then we pretty much start dancing together. She’s all over me. I go for the makeout, it’s no problem. I kino hard, grabbing her waist and ass, playing with her ass cheeks as we dance. We make out some more and then I decide to take it further. She’s rubbing on my chest and my abs with her hands, so I lick her neck a bit and then go down and lick her cleavage and her breasts. Some drunk dude next to me screams out “yeah, bro!” and gives me the thumbs up. When I lift my face up from her chest, he shoves my face back down there to lick on her breast some more. Fucking drunk dude wanting a free show, wtf? We dance, kiss, make out, some more. She grinds her ass on me, turns around lifts up one leg and we dance real close. I do some more licking of her neck and chest as she grabs the back of my head. She grabs all over me, my chest, my abs, and then she rubs on my dick. She goes down and puts her face in my crotch while we’re dancing. She comes back up and turns around and puts her ass on me. I bend her over and basically simulate fucking her from behind. I’m trying to fuck this chick tonight! I’m weighing my options. I know I can’t fuck in the restroom in the club, because I used to work here and security never let that go down, and I know they still won’t, even for me. I dance with her for about 10 songs or so, but then last call comes. I’m trying to bounce her, but she says she can’t leave her friends, because it’s one of her friends birthday (not the birthday chick from before- different bitch with a birthday, apparently). Last call comes and I settle for her taking my number and calling me right then and there.

The lights in the club come on, but the music is still playing. I see the tall chick who I talked to a couple times earlier who said it was her birthday. Her and her group of 15 friends are still sitting in the same spot. I go over there and sit down next to her and just dance and vibe by myself, but next to her. She leans on me and dances as well. I grab her and put her in my lap. She sits there, but stops dancing. ”I don’t do lap dances” she says to me, “but you can give me one.” Fuck it, I set her back down, get up and give her a lap dance. She’s into it. A few of her friends bust out cameras and take pictures. After a couple of songs of giving her a lap dance, I sit back down next to her and put her back on top of me. She winds up getting up to dance on the ledge or whatever with the dancer chicks that work there. I move closer to Dr. Know It All who finally found me and came over to where I was (I hadn’t seen him in almost an hour). While I’m talking to him, of of Birthday Girl’s 15 friends, and the next cutest one besides Birthday Girl herself, tries to hand me her camera and ask, “can you take a picture of all of us?” I look at her like she’s crazy. I’m not her photographer. She gets my drift and quickly re-asks the question to Dr. Know It All, “can you take a picture of us?” This time pointing to me as well as her friends, including me in the “us”. I put my arm around her and pose for the picture. Then, I talk to her a bit more. Birthday Girl and about half of the group leave the club since it’s closed now, but I stay and talk to this chick for a bit, I try to find out where they’re going to next, but she doesn’t seem sure. I try to number close her, but she hits me with the “I have a boyfriend” line. I hit her with the “well, just take my number then” line and she takes my number.

We walk outside. I’m looking for Birthday Girl, but I can’t find her. She must have moved around. Damn. While walking through the crowd, I notice a group of chicks walking by me and I open conversation. The short one is real cute, so I start talking to her. I make fun of her earrings, “what’s with the 7 inch earrings?”

She laughs, “you like them?”

“I don’t understand what they’re for. Why are they so long?” I say and grab one of her earrings. Right then, a dude I know walks by. I stop talking to her and talk to him for a bit, and she and her friends start to walk across the street. Dude and I end our conversation and I go after her. ”Yo, 7 inch earrings, where you going?”

She turns around laughing and repeating my new name for her, “7 inch earrings? That’s my name, now?”

“Yep.” I walk with her and talk for a bit and eventually she asks me for my name. I introduce myself and ask hers. I’m trying to seed a bounce, but they go to college in another town, 45 minutes away and are headed back there right now. I attempt to get the number, “I can’t give my number out, I have a boyfriend.”

“And… what’s your man got to do with me?”

She laughs, “a lot, actually.”

“Whatever, well shit, take my number then.”

“Okay, I will, but I can’t guarantee I’ll hit you up…. just playing.” She takes my number.

She was real cute and my game and frame seemed to be real nice with her. Sucks about the “boyfriend” line though, I really thought she was into me.

I find Dr. Know It All again, and we start to head back to the car. I see an older woman standing by herself, so I walk and approach her. She tells me she’s waiting for “her friend.” We talk for about 20 minutes, in which I learn that she’s from Scotland, but has basically lived in our city her whole life. She asks me where I’m from and I tell her to guess. She says, “Well, you have an interesting accent. It sounds like you’re either from Brooklyn or Lousiana.” Lmao. I laugh at her and start to kino a bit by grabbing her arms and stuff. ”Brooklyn or Lousiana? Those are two totally different places!”

We talk longer and I kino more, touching her arms a lot and her back a bit too. She lets me, but she never reciprocates any touching. Before, I could really escolate, some short dude with a beard walks out of the bar and puts his arm around her and looks at me with a crazy look in his eye like I’m trying to destroy the world by talking to what apparently may be his chick. I speak to him shortly, but realize it’s not going to go anywhere and eject telling the Scottish chick that it was nice to meet her.

That was the third dude that cuffed a chick right in front of me and basically cockblocked me and my intentions with said chick. Three times in one weekend? Damn, dudes are cuffing hard this Summer it looks like.

“I wink my eye at your bitch, if she smile, she gone.” - 50 Cent

“Yeah, you swear your girl is faithful everything aint what it seems/ See I seen how she glance and look away like she want it/I aint saying Imma fuck her, but I could if I wanted/Know it hurts that she flirts with a n**** this is worst/I bet if I was to hit, man, I wouldn’t be the first…” - J. Cole

Willy Wonka’s in town. Cuff your broad when I’m around.